Portrait of an Awkward Instructor

He's pacing around the room like a tiger in a bamboo cage, restless and confused. He awkwardly reassures himself that things are okay by constantly repeating the word as a mantra out loud and to himself. "This is the thesis, mmkay?" The man is devoid of enthusiasm or any sort of passion for the material he teaches. Is this some nightmarish instructor, or perhaps a video showing what not to do? Sadly, it is both of things and more. It is a video of myself, and a reminder of the things that I must improve on.

The good news is that the person on the video is not a finished product. I look nervous, and my constant use of the phrase "okay" is the manifestation of my nervousness. Saying okay constantly is not a habit for me: but this video showed me that I use this nervous device as a crutch. When I feel comfortable, I do not use it.

On the tape I look unenthusiastic. Perhaps this is because I have been sick recently, maybe it is related to my nerves. But the person I see on tape is much different than the one I watched last month during student teaching. With the kids I was confident and full of life: teaching my peers I seemed hesitant and afraid to make a mistake. I need to loosen up, or "thaw out" as one of my colleagues put it. When I stop putting pressure on myself to be perfect in front of my MTC peers, I will begin to actually creep closer toward perfection. For now, I want to focus on discarding the "okay" crutch, and work on bring more enthusiasm to our lessons. I am running a tight ship, but that doesn't mean I can't be happy while I do it.